They say love stinks, and I’m so in love I probably smell like a butt convention…
I’ve been a train wreck of emotions lately. For like the last few months. After deciding that school wasn’t the avenue I wanted my life to take, I was preparing to settle in and settle down. I was finishing up with my business diploma, I was happy at work, and I was beginning to look for a place to live with my boyfriend.
Then I snapped.
I became very aware that I didn’t have a hobby. I didn’t have my horse-filled escape from reality and my passion for everything equine. My days were spent going to work and coming home. I would literally be waiting around in the evenings until it was time to go to bed. I was miserable. Instead of going out with friends, laughing and having fun with my boyfriend, excelling at work as a recent business graduate, and sucking it up and going to the barn regardless of the fact that I no longer had a horse of my own, I instead became obsessed with working out to the point that I was exhausted and I was so unhappy that I wasn’t eating properly.
I was cranky and tired, I looked like a malnourished child, and I knew I needed to make a change. I began to look back on my life and the thing that has consistently made me happy.
Horses. Could you guess?
I knew I needed them back in my life and I made the choice to totally uproot my life and everything I’d been building and totally sacrifice it all for the chance to work with them again.
Deja vu? Again.
I was at the point where I was actually willing to sacrifice my finances, my freedom, my living arrangements, and much more for the opportunity to have horses as my career again. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in this simple head of mine, because I already know from personal experience that it’s not a good idea. I remember how broke I was, how lonely I was, and how upset I was that since horses were my job, I began to lack my passion for them. They were no longer fun, and they were no longer my escape. Do I really want to go back to that? Not really.
I have since realized that it’s time to become an adult. Yes, I’ve said it. It’s time that I, Danielle Crowe, become an adult. I can still be a horse-riding gypsy soul that has a career and a boyfriend and a place in my hometown, without having to constantly be shaking things up, being a broke-ass mother-f***er, and hurting people in the meantime. I CAN have my cake and eat it too. I CAN have a full-time job that pays my bills (with a little extra on the side), and I CAN have horses in my life as well. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. I am in charge of my life and if I want to be a superwoman then I damn well can be.
Cue Alicia Keys song here.
I guess the main thing that made me come back down to earth was when my parents went away for a week and my boyfriend came to stay with me. God I loved waking up to him every morning, coming home from work to him, cooking supper together, and falling asleep in each others arms. And to be totally honest, it scared the crap out of me that for the first time in my life I’ve met someone who has made me not want to keep running. Who makes me want to be the best version of myself instead of someone who is constantly stirring up the pot. I don’t want to uproot everything and move to a different part of the province; away from him. I have pretty much the most amazing boyfriend on the amazing boyfriend scale, and I have been so selfish towards him. I am, in my opinion, the world’s luckiest girl, and I have nothing but gratefulness and appreciation towards him for putting up with my ridiculousness this past while.
I’d be an idiot to leave this.
I’m still going to be selfish though, and I hopefully always will be. But in a different way. I’m not going to continue this relationship-straining and essentially self-sabotaging lifestyle, but I’m still going to have the parts of my life that make me, well, me. Not only will I be a girlfriend, and a career woman, but I will be a part-time equestrian and I will always have the parts of my life (like my friends, my family, my job, traveling, writing, shopping, etc.) that are unique to me. I CAN love another fully, excel as an outstanding employee, have financial and life freedom, and stink like hay and poo during my spare time.
And I will. Mark my words.