Getting my hopes up used to be a regular occurrence for me… I used to dream and meticulously plan things in my old life, except then I would crash when they wouldn’t come true, or if it was actually a miserable experience instead of the glorious picture I had painted in my head. So I stopped – after all, what relatively sane person would continue to put themselves through that? I started letting things happen and not going into situations with an idea of how things were going to end up… and things were good, I wouldn’t leave feeling disappointed or depressed.
What changed? Like a brick freakin’ wall – those feelings that I thought I’d forgotten came rushing back.
I have gone back to that girl that keeps daydreaming and keeps getting her hopes up. I have started making those ridiculous plans and getting those ridiculous dreams in my head about what is going to happen. And just like before, it only makes me feel that much worse when I land on my face. When I stop and think about it, I get these feelings whenever I’m involved in stressful situations (a.k.a. my life). For example, when I was in my first relationship and always felt extremely insecure; when I first moved home to NS and I felt like I needed new dreams and I needed them ASAP… I couldn’t just let life happen and rediscover a dream for myself; and now, when I feel like I’ve lost whatever could have been with a particular person, I just keep ridiculously dreaming and hoping it’ll come back.
Sometimes I ignore the truth, I ignore the pain and I ignore the consequences – all for someone who ignores me.
I have always been a girl who knows what she wants and goes after it. But I’m also extremely impatient about it. I react with impulses and without thinking the consequences through. And those particular “bite-you-in-the-ass” qualities, those are exactly what always bite me in my ass.
Maybe it has to do with this semi-recent food issue I’ve been having. It started out West, when I began getting sick after eating certain foods (dairy in particular) so I self-diagnosed myself as being a Lactose-Intolerant. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy, just avoid the cow. But then other strange things began happening and continue to happen, and we can’t figure out why or which foods in particular I have a sensitivity to. For example, sometimes after certain meals I’ll feel horribly sick and I have to lie down, other times I get overwhelmed with a self-pitying emotion and cry, and other times I get angry.. like really angry.. like “Cat, if you rub your face on my leg one more time I’m going to kick you across the room” angry. (WOW I’m REALLY not making my single ass seem all that appealing am I? Ha!) So maybe I can blame all this weird, emotional yabba-dabba on my strange consumption issues?
Yeah, that’s it! “I’m not the messed up one, it’s my stomach!” … (Somehow I feel that won’t work.)
Anyways, what I’m trying to say with this post is that I need to get back to that airy-fairy that I became for awhile, the one who just rolled with the punches and didn’t try to over-think life. Although I’ve been told I’m a “free spirit” and a “wild child” more times then I’ve been called “stuffy” or “safe,” I still feel like I need to kind of chill out a bit and let things happen without trying so damn hard to make them happen.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Maybe making out for a few minutes would help us figure things out? … Kidding … Maybe.