Today was such a horrible day… While at work, my boss basically hinted (though made his point quite clear) that I seem incompetent for my job. Wonderful. Now, normally I would have gone home at the end of the day, cried and vowed “I’ll show you!” or said “peace out,” but this time, what is so upsetting about hearing hard words from my authority figure is that I think he’s right… I like my job, I do. And yes, I’ve only been there a week – I’m still getting settled and understanding how things work, for crying out loud! – but at the same time, I still go to work and think “what the hell am I supposed to be doing?” and when I ask, I then go back to my office and think “what the hell does that mean?” (it’s not making things easy, that’s for sure…)
My biggest issue is that, although I’m not afraid to ask when I don’t understand, I’m afraid to clarify when the answer doesn’t make sense. This is what got me into trouble today. Although I am asking, each of my questions make me sound like I don’t know what I’m doing (which I don’t) and I’m scared that I’m coming off as inexperienced (which I am) and therefore incompetent to do my job (however that has already been discovered).
I’m a well-known “job gypsy” who floats around and moves on when things get boring or if I just don’t like them – leaving a job has never been an issue for me. But this time I don’t want to lose my job… I want to succeed and I want to prove to my boss that I am capable of handling his company’s finances.
Quite frankly I’m scared shitless and I want cry but for some reason I can’t – instead I have this weird lumpy thing in my throat… strange; I’m usually a crier. This weekend I am going to study my ass off with online bookkeeping lessons, courses and tutorials. My boss said “see you Monday” before I left today (good sign!) so I want to walk in there next week with a clear focus and show this company that it’s never met a money-crunching, book-keeping fiend like me before! I want to feel confident, capable and irreplaceable when I’m doing my job, but also, I want my boss to think “my goodness I made a good choice hiring her, she’s irreplaceable.”
“You can’t go through life quitting everything. If you’re going to achieve anything, you’ve got to stick with something.”