Not Your Fault

I think I had an epiphany while I was sweeping the floor today (I’m such a good daughter): I’m alone…  And it’s okay!

When I broke up with my first boyfriend after a four year relationship, quite frankly, I freaked.  All of a sudden I thought “Oh my God!  What have I done?  I need him back!” but he – being the proud person he is – wouldn’t take me back.  Am I grateful for that now?  Yes.  But that’s another story for another time. 

Anyways, my point is that I suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of being alone and it was horrible.  Honestly, I felt like I didn’t know how to just “be on my own” and I was scared shitless.  After my most current breakup occurred I had similar feelings, however they were slightly different.  In both instances, not having that person to share my pillow with, to laugh with, to call when I needed someone to call, etc. were horrible feelings, but unfortunately they’re inevitable in every broken relationship.  My issue is that when I’m dealing with a breakup it’s like I feel that I need to totally overhaul my life.  I feel like I need to shed the skin of past memories and morph into this new, better life.  When I lost my first relationship at the age of 18, I basically shaved my head and lost way too many pounds.  Not exactly the best way to say “I look so good without you”… so I don’t recommend doing that.  But this time?  This time I ran to someone else and I feel horrible that I brought my selfish issues out to them.  It’s strange, I was doing so fine.. and then one phone call that made me get out of bed in the middle of the night changed everything, like I drove through a weird portal or something.  I suddenly thought “Man, I’m alone, I’m miserable and I don’t know what I’m doing in life.”  I missed how things used to be and I desperately tried to get that back.  I’m sorry that I did that.  I’m sorry that I put you through that.  I’m sorry that I’m selfish and immature and I need time to realize who I truly am before I should even consider bringing another person into my life in a serious way. 

So when I was sweeping; when my epiphany occurred, I know that I realized this all after the damage has already been done, but hey, at least I realized it at all.  I’m human, I’m allowed to make mistakes and I’m allowed to mourn my losses in life – I just need to avoid these drastic situations and decisions while healing. 

Basically, I’m sorry that little insecure monster inside came out for a visit these past few weeks and tried to drag you under the bed with it.  (Does that make any sense?  I did to me, but it might just sound weird to others… ah well.)

♥ DanielleCrowe

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