I need to get away to feel again…

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

After a whirlwind of emotions last night, I’m giving up.  It goes against what I strive to avoid – giving up, that is – but my emotional, physical and mental well-being is at stake.  I tried to make things work but I was selfish and I wanted happiness for myself as well.  Foolish girl. 

I guess that I don’t need that though, now you’re just somebody that I used to know

What hurts the most is the total loss of it all.  I’m so embarrassed from the situation at hand although I know I’ll get over it eventually – what is worse is the fact that I have chosen to lose people that mean a lot to me.  I overstepped my boundaries and I caused betrayal, hatred and pain.  I never meant to hurt anyone and although I was so homesick living far away from everyone I wish I could just run away from it all again.  The loss of love is sickening and I can’t seem to heal. 

I miss the way things used to be before complication made it’s way into the mix.  I miss me.  As I crawled into bed last night with a blackened face from my running mascara I vowed that I will get her back.  I need to get away from this surrounding drama like I always used to do, my mentality can’t handle it.  I want to be back to the girl that didn’t care, who focused on the boys with four legs instead of two.  I can handle being bucked off by a horse much easier than I can being yelled at. 

Don’t get so close to change my mind.  Please wipe that look out of your eyes, it’s bribing me to doubt myself.  Simply, it’s tiring

I have so many emotions pulsing through me.  This past summer kind of screwed my goals up; I took a chance and followed my childhood dreams, only to realize that my dream isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.  The disappointment and feeling of being so lost is just overwhelming.  In a way, I feel as though I don’t know who I am anymore.  I’m fighting to figure things out and get my life sorted again.  I can’t have any unnecessary outside drama causing me more heartache than I already have.  Within three months I have lost my horse – who was my guiding light, my relationship of almost two years, my equine-related career focus and now my close friendships.  Soon, if I’m not careful, it will be my sanity. 

I need to focus on the positives of this situation and how I now have the motivation to further my drive in life.  There is so much I want to accomplish and I still continue to dream – now I can do so without anything holding me back. 

For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while


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